Subject: Family (Page 18)

I had an advantage – I slept with his mother.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Children Family Football Mothers Sports

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.

Definitions Family

Money – the one thing that keeps us in touch with our children.

(1948 – ) English writer, broadcaster, actor & politician
Children Family Money

I’d be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game.

comedian
Children Family Fathers

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

(1974 – ) American comedian
Children Family

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Communication Language

My parents were very protective; I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited and… placing bets.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family People Self

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family People Self

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family Relationships

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer
Children Family Life Parents

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Children Parents Sports Yogi-isms

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

Children Family

We kept Mommy on a pedestal… it was the only way we could keep Daddy off her. – of life in a family with 12 children

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Family Parents

Marry your son when you will, but your daughter when you can.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Family Marriage Relationships

I don’t know what Scrope Davies meant by telling you I liked children, I abominate the sight of them so much that I have always had the greatest respect for the character of Herod.

(1788 – 1824) English poet
Children Family

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Failure Family