Subject: Family (Page 29)

You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.

(1970 – ) American actress
Family Mothers People Self TV/Movie Quotes

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Age Children Family Situations Sleep

When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

Adults are just obsolete children.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator
Children People

To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author
Children Family

Margaret Addams: What.
Debbie Jellinsky: Oh, I didn’t say anything.
Margaret Addams: No, that’s the baby’s nickname, What … from the obstetrician.

(1941 – ) American actress
Children TV/Movie Quotes

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Children Family Fathers

Can’t have a favorite, [child] I don’t… I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Age Children Communication Family Parents Speech Young

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Science/Weather

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Parents People Rednecks

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Money

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Characteristics Children Fear Health People

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

(1955 – ) American poet, essayist & memoirist
Family

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance Characteristics Children Intelligence Religion Wives