Subject: Marriage » Wives (Page 2)

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do… but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy: first, let her think she's having her own way, and second, let her have it.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

(1860 – 1943) British socialist, union leader & politician

I never meant to marry my second wife; I only meant to rob her.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

(1982 – ) American author

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.

My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

(1925 – 2010) American film actor

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Bigamy is having one wife too many; monogamy is the same.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If you haven’t seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven’t seen her smile her prettiest.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist