Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 72)

Makes my butt wanna grind corn!

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She's uglier than homemade soap.

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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

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The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor. Sorry, he said with a smile.

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I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!

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Madder than’ a wampus cat

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Limberlost,  Missouri

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I’m The Urban Spaceman

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I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they’ll know this is someone else’s territory.

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No, it’s liquid sunshine.

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One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.

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Mean enough to charge hell with a quart of ice water.

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Treated him like a red-headed stepchild.

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He looks like something the cat drug in and the dog wouldn't eat.

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He’s so tight when he blinks his eyes his toe’s curl up.

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If you can paint a really good picture of a cow, you don’t have to write the word “cow” under it.

(1896 – 1985) U.S. senator (North Carolina)
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Penny: Just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off.

Leonard: That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?

(1975 – ) American actor
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If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

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My father used to beat me with his belt… while it was still on him.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
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I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

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Toad choker/frog strangler

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