Subject: People » Self (Page 6)

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

I called Dial-a-Prayer and they hung up on me.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
People Self

Excuse my dust.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Epitaphs Self

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

Not with anybody else.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion
Emotions Love People Self

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Emotions People Self

Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Self Sports

My first job consisted of me answering a phone… but it wasn't for me.

British comedian
Occupations Self Work

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

Self-abuse is the sincerest kind.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Activities Self Sex

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

(1965 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Communication People Self Speech

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Age Friends People Self

He fell in love with himself at first sight and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful.

(1905 – 2000) English writer
People Self

When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Family Fathers People Self

Four of us slept in the one bed; when it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Cold People Self

Accept who you are… unless you’re a serial killer.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
People Self

I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Beliefs Characteristics Self