Subject: People » Self (Page 4)

Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Mind Self TV/Movie Quotes

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health People Self

I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

(1904 – 1995) American comedian, jazz musician & singer
Alcohol Food/Drink Self

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers People Self Things

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Ugly

I’m at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life. In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Self Sex

Sooner or later, I'll be punctual.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Self Time

I’m a man of no convictions… at least I think I am.

(1946 – ) British playwright, screen writer & film director
Characteristics People Self

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People Self Success

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Problems Self

When I dance, people think I’m looking for my keys.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Dance Entertainment Self

My beard is the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's look good.

American basketball player
Basketball People Self Sports

Twelve years after high school and I’m still at the nerd table.

(1975 – ) American actor
People Self TV/Movie Quotes

I'm bald, blind and pale… I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s; he’s 29, I’m 34.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian
Age People Self

Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Self TV/Movie Quotes

I am the rock between me and the hard place.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
People Problems Self

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobiography.

(1903 – 1966) English writer
Books Communication People Self