Subject: Relationships (Page 14)

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Relationships

Incest: in many parts of the Bible Belt, the most popular form of dating.

American author
Dating Relationships Sex

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1. a date, 2.his wife, 3. a better looking and richer male friend.

Dating Men Murphy’s Laws Relationships Women

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Dance Family Past Relationships Situations Things Time

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Dating Relationships Taxes Work

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

My uncle's actually from Brooklyn, New York; … instead of saying, 'What time is it?,' he'll say, 'Get outta here – I'm drunk.'

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Places Relationships

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

(1977 – ) American comedian
Dating Men People Relationships

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think… I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself… you know these kind of girls: ‘I'm hot. I’m on fire… Me, me, me.’

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating Relationships

Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.

Dating Definitions Relationships

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Appearance Family Relationships

I don't have a boyfriend right now; I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

(1967 – 2007) American model
Money Relationships

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Family Relationships Sex

I had to go back to New York recently for a family reunion… I walk in there, I look at everyone, and I think: 'I'm getting my tubes tied; that's it; the tree ends here.'

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
Intelligence Relationships

Personally, I don't like a girlfriend to have a husband… if she'll fool her husband, I figure she'll fool me.

(1866 – 1946) English author
Girlfriends Relationships

My family isn’t really Italian; we’re more like Olive Garden Italian.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Family Relationships

There is no such thing as an unattached woman.

Murphy’s Laws People Relationships Women

When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Relationships

I date this girl for two years – and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor
Dating Relationships

I have this! Are you interested?

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Relationships Sex