Subject: Relationships (Page 16)

Incest: in many parts of the Bible Belt, the most popular form of dating.

American author
Dating Relationships Sex

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Marriage Relationships

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships Self

My girlfriend always laughs during sex… no matter what she’s reading.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Emotions Girlfriends Laughter Relationships Sex

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

Dating Definitions

She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of women to proclaim ownership).

William Sydney Porter (1862 – 1910) American writer
People Relationships Women

You might be a redneck if… your grandfather died and left everything to his widow; but she can’t touch it until she's fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Relationships

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Relationships Wives

My family isn’t really Italian; we’re more like Olive Garden Italian.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Family Relationships

Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine.

Clifford Stern: Yeah, your first child.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

Go, and never darken my towels again.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Relationships

For three years everything was going great, and then she just upped and left me to find a guy who wouldn’t hit her.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Girlfriends People Relationships

I took a girl out on a date the other night and I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere sexually, you know, because I was out of chloroform and rags.

(1961 – ) American actor & comedian
Dating Sex

In Genesis it says that it is not good for a man to be alone… but sometimes it is a great relief.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Men People Relationships

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Communication Dating Language Speech

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Alcohol Dating Food/Drink Relationships

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Relationships

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Age Dating Relationships

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Family Relationships

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian
Girlfriends Relationships