Subject: Sex (Page 16)

I practice safe sex… I use an airbag.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.

(1939 – ) professor of journalism & author

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.

(1818 – 1883) German philosopher, economist, sociologist & socialist

My wife is a sex object; every time I ask for sex, she objects.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian

Diseases Caused by Masturbation

Raj: 60 seconds. This is not looking good.
Sheldon: One minute is a long time.
Howard: I’ve been telling women that for 20 years.

(1980 – ) American actor, comedian & musician

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Presidents don’t do it to their wives; they do it to their country.

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

(1927 – 1989) Scottish psychiatrist

And God, I promise… no more sex with anybody… unless they really, really, need it.

(1934 – 2010) American actress

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? … sex is what we want!

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

(1955– ) writer & screenwriter

Suzanne, if sex were fast food, there’d be an arch over your bed!

(1939 – 2010) American actress

Incest: in many parts of the Bible Belt, the most popular form of dating.

American author