Subject: Sex (Page 17)

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

Trust me, ladies, if you knew even for a second how we men really look at you, you would never stop slapping us.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Men People Sex Women

When mom found my diaphragm, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Sex

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover, but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

Marriage Sex

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
Books Communication Sex

Yes, I haven’t had enough sex.

(1906 – 1984) English poet, writer & broadcaster
Sex

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Characteristics Communication Sex

In sex I like to role play; I like to pretend I’m not paying for it.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sex

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Sex

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

(1927 – 2007) American newspaper columnist
Books Communication Eating Food/Drink Reading/Writing Sex

Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex; I had to disappoint her… we had sex.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Sex

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Sex

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac; I only sleep with good-looking men.

(1954 – ) British poet, novelist, travel writer & journalist
People Relationships Sex

I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.

English police officer, writer, stand-up comedian & radio performer
Marriage Sex

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds… the other 19 are shame.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Men People Sex

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny; if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Food/Drink Men People Sex

Baptists never make love standing up; they're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing!

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Beliefs Dance Religion Sex

I can still enjoy sex at 74; I live at 75, so it's no distance.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Age Emotions Sex

To please a woman in bed, all a man has to do is a poetry course; they also have to learn that the Kama Sutra is not an Indian takeaway and that the mutual orgasm is not an insurance company.

(1958 – ) Australian author
People Sex Women

What was I thinking when I said “I do”? I’d already had sex with her; I didn’t need that again.

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes