Subject: Sex (Page 18)

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Marriage Memory Problems Sex Wives

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships School Sex

I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard – day-in and day-out – just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it’s all over, he showers and goes to his job.

comedian
Men Sex

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover, but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

Marriage Sex

If they ever invent a vibrator that can open pickle jars, we’ve had it.

(1964 – ) English comedian & writer
People Sex Women

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

I practice safe sex… I use an airbag.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Sex

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Sex

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Fights Sex

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


Computers Sex Things

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.

Beliefs Religion Sex

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Sex

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Alcohol Food/Drink Sex

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

(1947 – ) American author, teacher & social critic
Sex

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Sex

Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body.

(1664 – 1726) English architect & dramatist
Emotions Love Sex Women

Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend… the reason we broke up is because I caught her lying – under another man.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Girlfriends Language Relationships Sex

Self-abuse is the sincerest kind.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Activities Self Sex

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people… between five, it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex