Subject: Sex (Page 20)

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Love will find a lay.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

(1929 – 1994) U.S. first lady, wife of John Fitzgerald Kennedy & book editor

You treat my daughter with respect – you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

American comedian & writer

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.

(1958 – ) standup comedian, actor, game show host & photographer

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Well I don’t see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy.


I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

I once made love to a female clown… she twisted my penis into a poodle.

Dan Whitney (1963 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice artist

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

Luna: So then, what do you believe in?

Miles: Sex and death – two things that come once in a lifetime… but at least after death, you're not nauseous.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds… the other 19 are shame.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host