Subject: Sex (Page 27)

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

People think I hate sex; I don’t; I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian

I don’t understand Viagra… I mean I like pie but I don’t want to eat it for 41⁄2 hours.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

You treat my daughter with respect – you buy her breakfast if she puts out.

American comedian & writer

When a guy writes a scene where a woman does a deviant sex act on camera, it’s objectifying; but when a woman writes it, it’s feminism.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

Erotica is using a feather, pornography is using the whole chicken.


Suzanne, if sex were fast food, there’d be an arch over your bed!

(1939 – 2010) American actress

Know why it takes so many sperm to fertilize one egg – cause none of those f**kers will ask for directions.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

You [women] like mystery, ‘cause it’s not a mystery to you; you know when you’re gonna get laid.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

(1947 – ) American author, teacher & social critic

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Abstinence makes the heart go wander.

(1953 – ) American writer

Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.

(1946 – ) American actor

You know that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac, but flowers work almost as well.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author

I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time…. then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian

An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.

(1920 – 2000) physician, gerontologist, pacifist, anarchist & writer