Subject: Situations (Page 13)

The hardest thing to stop is a temporary chairman.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People Situations

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Individuals People Situations

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Communication Situations

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics People Situations

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance Situations

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed… she said one pig in the blanket was enough.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Food/Drink Situations

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance Hair People Situations

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Communication Situations Speech

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Science/Weather Situations

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

So I'm like, 'Hold up, slick, I thought McDonald's was supposed to have fast and friendly service.' She's like, 'That's at participating McDonald's, and we ain't participating.'

David Adkins (1956 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Situations Sleep