Subject: Situations (Page 13)

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

Canadian comedian & actor
Relationships Situations

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Life Situations

I was planning on my future as a homeless person… I had a really good spot picked out.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations

A hotel isn’t like a home, but it’s better than being a house guest.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Places Situations

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Definitions Situations

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

Golf Situations Sports

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Situations

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

Nobody who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.

Situations

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

A day without sunshine is like… well, night.

Situations Time

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Situations

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Men People Sex Situations

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things