Subject: Situations (Page 23)

Poor Jesus; first he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

Dick Clark went to a psychic; she told him, in a previous life, he was Dick Clark.

comedian
Life Past Situations Time

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

(1943 – ) American television journalist & author
Government Law Situations

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group… but it turns out that it’s tomorrow.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

I hate when people stop you on the street and try to get you to join their cause; I’ve got things to do! Find your own missing kid.

American comedian
Situations

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.


Murphy’s Laws Situations

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

(1947 – ) radio broadcaster & host
Autos Situations Things

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking.

(1599 – 1658) English military & political leader
Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Beliefs Government Murphy’s Laws Situations

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Ideas Sex Situations