Subject: Situations (Page 23)

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut; I don’t understand why she’s crying… I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Vietnam without the mosquitoes.

(1953 – ) American journalist, columnist & novelist
Situations

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Situations

No gold-digging for me… I take diamonds!

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Money Situations

I’d sooner be in hell with my back broke.

Expressions Situations

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations Sleep

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

scriptwriter & author
Places Situations

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Situations

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Characteristics Situations

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Sex Situations