Subject: Situations (Page 30)

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Failure Problems Situations

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Canadian comedian & actor
Intelligence Memory Relationships Situations

We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest.

Malaprops Situations

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Gee, what a terrific party… later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Insults Situations

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent invitation.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Situations

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host
Sex Situations

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Animals Situations

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

If I was invisible for the day I think Id kick a mime artist to death.

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Situations

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him.

(1982 – ) American author
Appearance Clothing Situations

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Situations Time

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations