Subject: Situations (Page 30)

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible that you haven’t understood the situation.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

It always looks darkest just before it gets totally black.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Situations

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

Any new activity will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

jwright

(1885 – 1962) Danish physicist
Situations

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home, so I went over… nobody was home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Body Situations

We just had a near – life experience!

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Life Situations

My wife, she’s another one. Last night our house caught fire and I heard her tell the kids, “Shhh, be quiet; you’ll wake your father.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations Things

Brexit is a terrible name… sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.

(1978 – ) English stand-up comedian & actress
England Places Situations

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Characteristics Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

I hate when people stop you on the street and try to get you to join their cause; I’ve got things to do! Find your own missing kid.

American comedian
Situations