Subject: Situations (Page 30)

Good times end too quickly. Bad times go on forever.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

(1991 – ) English stand-up comedian
Situations

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Men People Sex Situations

Constant change is here to stay.

Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

Dick Clark went to a psychic; she told him, in a previous life, he was Dick Clark.

comedian
Life Past Situations Time

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

Adventure is just bad planning.

(1872 – 1928) Norwegian Arctic & Antarctic explorer
Situations

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Proverbs Situations

Never wave to a friend at an auction.

Situations

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Situations

It’s all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he’s perfect.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Situations

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

You can always tell you're in trouble when the good option involves a prosthetic leg.

blogger (Standing Room Only)
Problems Situations