Subject: Situations (Page 31)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian
People Situations Women

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Problems Situations

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert;’ I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine.’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Situations

I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.

Beliefs Misspokements Situations

You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

comedian
Situations

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name-dropping.

(1911 – 2000) American actor
Situations

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication Emotions Situations

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If you are going through hell… keep going.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Situations

It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things