Subject: Situations (Page 31)

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

Never mistake motion for action.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Situations Work

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.

Proverbs Situations

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped… so presumably it got better.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire?… the one nearest the door of course.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Art Entertainment Situations

Pour him out of here!

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Alcohol Situations

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

(1961 – ) English comedian, actor, director, producer & writer
Problems Situations TV/Movie Quotes

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Tradition is what you resort to when you don’t have the time or the money to do it right.

(1905 – 1988) Austrian-born American conductor
Money Situations Time

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Situations

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Things started to snowplow.

professional baseball player
Malaprops Situations

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations