Subject: Situations (Page 40)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

No, no… Jimmy Stewart for governor… Ronald Reagan for his best friend.

(1892 – 1978) Canadian-American film producer (Warner Brothers)
Entertainment Film People Situations

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Situations

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

I don't know if you've ever lived with a pregnant woman before, but the whole time she's pregnant, she's walking around the house like, 'Oh my God, I gained 45 extra pounds, I sweat when I eat, and I vomit every morning,' and I'm like, 'No kidding…

stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Situations

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty, but not to win the lottery?

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Science/Weather Situations

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Proverbs Situations

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family Situations

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Dance Family Past Relationships Situations Things Time

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya.

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
Appearance Situations

The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

Life Murphy’s Laws Situations

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

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Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

(1877 – 1962) English journalist, novelist & reporter
Situations

Maybe it would have been better if neither of us had been born.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Life Situations