Subject: Situations (Page 40)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.

(1980 – ) English comedian & novelist
Death Situations

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Situations

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

It took us hundreds of years to get one Year of the Woman, then we get a year – one of us cuts her husband's penis off.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Situations Women

100% pure yarn.

Situations

Living well is the best revenge.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Life Situations

Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter
Golf People Situations Sports

There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

There's no real need to do housework – after four years it doesn't get any worse.

(1908 – 1999) English writer
Housework Situations Work

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

It was as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of the rope.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob.

(1928 – 2008) American singer, songwriter & rock and roll pioneer
Entertainment Music Situations

I tried to throw a yo-yo away; it was impossible.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Activities Games Situations

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Situations

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance Hair People Situations

The Ku Klux Klan actually adopted a highway, which is futile, because that just means, anywhere you go, there's just going to be white trash on the streets.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Situations

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Mistakes Situations Sleep