Subject: Situations (Page 9)

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!

(1946 – ) American comedian
Situations

It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat kid.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Situations

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Situations

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

It’s important to know when it’s time to turn in your kazoo.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Situations

Gimme:  An agreement between two losers who can't putt.

(1907 – 1987) American journalist & author
Golf Situations Sports

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”

(1957 – ) American comedian
Family Situations

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Sex Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark… and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

(1949 – 1982) American comedian, actor & musician
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Situations