Subject: Situations (Page 9)

The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: “How many in your party?” and I said “Six hundred million.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Government Situations

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman
Situations

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Housework People Situations

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Problems Situations

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

If winners never quit, and quitters never win, what idiot came up with quit while you're ahead?

People Situations

If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.


Murphy’s Laws Situations

We just had a near – life experience!

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Life Situations

I hate cold showers – they stimulate me, and then I don't know what to do.

Situations

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage People Situations

It arrived by first-class mail in second-class condition.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Characteristics Facts Intelligence Situations Truth

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations