Subject: Situations (Page 8)

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

Some people hear voices; some see invisible people; others have no imagination whatsoever.

Intelligence Mind Situations

Never argue with a man who buys his ink by the barrel.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Communication Situations

Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

(1892 –1957) American comic actor (of Laurel & Hardy)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

If you see a bandwagon, it's too late.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier
Situations

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Relationships Situations

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an ax.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Situations

If you are going through hell… keep going.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

When smashing monuments, save the pedestals—they always come in handy.

(1921 – 2006) Polish science fiction author
Situations

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Situations

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Situations Sleep

You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations Wordplay

By the time we've made it, we've had it.

(1919 – 1990) publisher & author
Money Situations

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work