Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Sports
(Page 61)
Joe Bugner: Get me Jesus Christ and I'll fight him tomorrow!
Mcllvanney: Joe, you're only saying that because you know he's got bad hands.
Hugh McIlvanney
(1934 – ) Scottish sports writer
Boxing
Sports
Joe Bugner
A hot dog at the ballpark beats roast beef at the Ritz.
Humphrey Bogart
(1899 – 1957) film actor
Baseball
Food/Drink
Sports
Hot Dogs
If you watch a game, it’s fun; if you play it, it’s recreation; if you work at it, it’s golf.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf
Sports
I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.
Brendan Shanahan
(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey
Situations
Sports
Teammates
We don’t need refs, but I guess white guys need something to do.
Charles Barkley
(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball
People
Sports
Race
Referees
One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.
David Feherty
(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator
Golf
Sports
Describing the ups and downs of a typical round of golf
[He’s] the ultimate player-to-be-named-later.
Rocky Bridges
(1927 – ) professional baseball player & coach
Baseball
Misspokements
Sports
About Juan Uribe who changed his name before being delivered as the-player-to-be-named-later
When Lew was a twenty game winner for the Milwaukee Braves, people needed three columns for his pitching record: won, lost and relative humidity.
Red Smith
(1905–1982) American sportswriter
Baseball
Sports
On Lew Burdette & his spitball
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes, but how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals
Football
Sports
Apes
Here’s Hodge on the breakaway! He’s all by himself. He shoots. And Hodge missed the goal! He’ll be thinking about that one for a while! Just look at the expression on Hodge’s stick!
Unknown sportscaster
Hockey
Misspokements
Sports
Every man’s life, liberty, and property are in danger when the Legislature is in session.
Daniel Webster
(1782 – 1852) American statesman, senator (Massachusetts) & writer
Football
Government
Legislature
The older you get the stronger the wind gets… and it's always in your face.
Jack Nicklaus
(1940 – ) professional golfer
Golf
Old
Science/Weather
Sports
Wind
This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.
Dick Vertlieb
American sports executive
Activities
Basketball
Sports
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball.
Lou Holtz
(1937 – ) football coach, sportscaster, author & speaker
Football
Sports
Contracts
If you have everyone back from a team that lost 10 games, experience isn't too important.
John McKay
(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Football
Sports
Venezuela! Great, that's the Italian city with the guys in the boats, right?
Mured Muhammad
American boxing promoter
Boxing
Misspokements
Places
Sports
Venice
Trying to hit him is like trying to eat Jell-O
®
with chopsticks.
Bobby Murcer
baseball player
Baseball
Sports
On Phil Niekro's knuckleball
Pitching
Davis fouls out to third in fair territory.
Jerry Coleman
(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Baseball
Misspokements
Sports
I'd have a better chance of catching flies with chopsticks.
Andy Van Slyke
baseball player
Baseball
Sports
On hitting knuckleballs
It's almost like we have
ESPN.
Earvin 'Magic' Johnson
American basketball player
Basketball
Sports
ESP
On his telepathic understanding with James Worthy
Say you were standing with one foot in the oven and the other foot in a bucket of ice; according to the percentage people, you should be about perfectly comfortable.
Bobby Bragan
baseball manager
Baseball
Sports
On percentages
Page 61 of 125
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