Subject: Sports (Page 61)

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let the players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches.

Australian actor

We haven't had the rub of the dice.

English football player & manager

It's like embalming. Nobody likes it, but somebody has to do it.

American football player

The three important elements of hockey are: forecheck, backcheck and paycheck.

Canadian hockey player

If I needed advice from my caddie, he'd be hitting the shots and I'd be carrying the bag.

American professional golfer

In a way an umpire is like a woman. He makes quick decisions, never reverses them, and doesn't think you're safe when you're out.

American baseball umpire

If you can leave two black stripes from the exit of one corner to the braking zone of the next, you have enough horsepower.

American auto racer

Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets.

Golf is golf. You hit the ball, you go find it; then you hit it again.

American professional golfer

At 180 mph, when your front wheel wants to play pogo stick, you don't do nothing. You don't sneeze, you don't hiccup, you don't even breathe. All you do is point it and hang on.

American motorcycle racer

I’m the football coach around here and don’t you remember it.

football coach

If a contest had 97 prizes, the 98th would be a trip to Green Bay.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach

The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.

professional football player & coach

I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation; I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.

Nebraska football coach

The best classroom of all times was about two car lengths behind Juan Manuel Fangio.

(1929 – ) English race car driver

When I asked the baseball writers why they haven't elected me to the Hall of Fame, they told me they thought I was still playing.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

All of his saves have come during relief appearances.

(1922 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer

Being in politics is like being a football coach: you have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important.

Ernie Irvan could go bear hunting with a switch. He ain't never afraid.

American auto racer

You rejoin us at a very appropriate time – Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end!

cricket announcer

I’m not playing favorites… all my favorites have graduated.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach