Subject: Sports (Page 64)

Tommy John is so old, he uses Absorbine Senior.

(1952 – ) American sportscaster
Age Baseball Old Sports

It’s a lot harder than tennis. If I make a mistake, it’s like 0-15. In boxing, you let your head down once and you’re in the hospital.

American professional tennis player
Boxing Sports

You drive for show, but putt for dough.

South African professional golfer
Golf Sports

Her time is about 4.33, which she’s capable of.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Colemanballs Misspokements Sports

Howard Cosell would rather shave a wild lion with a dull razor than fight me. 

(1942 – ) American boxing champion
Boxing Sports

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver; the sand wedge is far more effective.

Golf Sports

A good ball club.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Baseball Sports Yogi-isms

Come on Sandy, baby, loosen up, you’re too tight.

American football player
Football Sports

You draw Xs and Os on a blackboard and that's not so difficult… I can even do it with my left hand.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Football Sports

If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf.

golf writer
Characteristics Golf Sports

Just give me 25 guys on the last year of their contract; I’ll win a pennant every year.

(1934 – 2010) American baseball manager
Baseball Sports

I was kind of hoping it would straighten it out.

Canadian hockey player
Hockey Sports

The current version of Buster Mathis [Jr.] boasts not just a Michelin man waist but an embonpoint thai would give him a better shot at starring in the next Wonderbra poster than winning a boxing title.

Boxing Sports

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans, but it's often the same message… they hope it's my last.

American baseball umpire
Baseball Sports

If I ever need a heart transplant, I want his [Bobby Knight’s]… it’s never been used.

American basketball coach
Basketball Sports

Was Wayne Gretzky sick?

Canadian hockey player
Hockey Sports

 The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey; the old ballplayer cared about the name on the front… the new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.

professional baseball player
Baseball Characteristics Sports

Four out of five dentists surveyed recommended playing hockey.

Hockey Sports

Colin Meads is the kind of player you expect to see emerging from a ruck with the remains of a jockstrap between his teeth.

Papua New Guinean rugby player
Sports

It was cool, man, but I’m a little depressed they didn’t have a buffet.

300+ pound American football player
Food/Drink Football Sports