Subject: Things (Page 12)

You might be a redneck if… you have a rag for a gas cap.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

Well, it sounds like a clear choice between a new wife and a new car, and frankly, since you’ve held tight to this piece of junk for over 130,000 miles, I’m a little worried about which way you’re going to go.

(1949 – ) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Things

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Life

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Animals Dogs Things

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

Why are there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

(1946 – ) American comedian
Things

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things Wives

If you need n items of anything, you will have n – 1 in stock.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Things Yogi-isms

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language People Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Science/Weather Things

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Travel

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don’t we move ten miles away?

Accidents Autos Problems Things

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government People Situations Things