Subject: Things (Page 12)

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40, if it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

Things

After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes – the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

Things always fall at right angles.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

(1880 – ?) American author
Beliefs Honesty Lies Things

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age Things

Boston's freeway system was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains.

American author
Places Things

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

The most expensive component is the one that breaks.

Money Murphy’s Laws Things

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian
Situations Things

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Things

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Entertainment Television Things

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Things