Subject: Things (Page 14)

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


Things

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

Absolutum obsoletum – If it works, it’s out of date.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

If you can’t navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn’t need a computer anyway.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things

I was at a party a couple of weeks ago, talking to this guy about the Gaza Strip; he thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Conversation People Stupidity Things

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men People Things

One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

You might be a redneck if… you have a rag for a gas cap.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Any product cut to length will be too short.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

A dropped power tool will always land on the concrete instead of the soft ground (if outdoors) or the carpet (if indoors) – unless it is running, in which case it will fall on something it can damage (like your foot).

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Things

You always find something in the last place you look.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age of four.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Things

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things