Subject: Things (Page 16)

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Autos Marriage Things

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things

Twitter makes you like people you don’t know, and Facebook makes you hate people you do.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos People Things Women

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Alcohol Autos Driving Food/Drink Things

Harp: A piano in the nude.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

If you need n items of anything, you will have n – 1 in stock.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’, but he hesitated.

comedian
Things

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

You might be a redneck if… you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Inanimate objects are scientifically classified into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Murphy’s Laws Things

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things