Subject: Things (Page 16)

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer
Computers Language Sex Things

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong; every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.

(1912 – 1996) American country comedian
Things

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

I found a guy's wallet and inside was a picture of my kids!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Things

I’m very conflicted by eye tests… I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.

British comedian, writer, actor & podcaster
Situations Things

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? … ever… there’s no reciprocity.


Health Things

1.6 Million Cherokees Are Recalled

Autos Headlines

If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next year they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.

Autos Things

Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Definitions Men Things Women

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise can you imagine the awful screeching?

(1890 – 1947) Russian-American screenwriter & musical composer
Autos Things

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


Activities Things

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Murphy’s Laws Things