Subject: Things (Page 3)

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Autos Driving Places

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Autos Places Things

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money Things

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress
Autos Money People

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Baseball is the only thing beside the paper clip that hasn't changed.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Baseball Sports Things

I could stand up in the seat and not hit my head.

American auto racer
Auto racing Autos Sports Things

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Body God Things

You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Things

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian
Communication Things Wordplay

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian
Money Poverty Things

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things