Author: Anonymous Page 113

It is so hot… today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.

Exaggerations Heat Science/Weather

Clear Conscience: Poor memory.

Definitions

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Work

Boxing: A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.

Boxing Definitions Sports

Sex: The formula by which one and one makes three.

Definitions Sex

You have to dance to a different drum.

Mixed metaphors

Off the cuff of my head.

Mixed metaphors

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.

Misspokements

“I have to wear this cast for another six weeks,” said Tom disjointedly.

Tom Swifties

I guess you could say I'm an internal optometrist.

Malaprops

She is so fat… when you tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

My doctor stays true to his Apothecary Oath.

Malaprops

Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Definitions Government

“Where shall I plant these water lilies?” Tom pondered.

Tom Swifties

… has eaten into the grocery chain’s luxury food side.

Mixed metaphors

Recycling of animal protein in feed proved a recipe for disaster.

Mixed metaphors

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.

Definitions Marriage

Florists: Petal pushers.

Definitions

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Autos Marriage Things

The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.

Beliefs Opinion

He’s a bad influenza on me.

Malaprops