Author: Anonymous Page 26

Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Insults Intelligence

Man blames most accidents on fate – but feels a more personal responsibility when he makes a hole-in-one on the golf course.

Golf Sports

I'm shooting from the seat of my pants.

Mixed metaphors

“I knew the gun wasn’t loaded,” Tom said blankly.

Tom Swifties

It’s like watching wallpaper dry.

Mixed metaphors

Family Swimming Pool: A small body of water completely surrounded by other people’s children.

Definitions

It's hard to catch lightning in a bottle twice.

Mixed metaphors

That e-mail was from Ann On.

Misspokements

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer. 

Beer Food/Drink

Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand.

Definitions Science/Weather

“My pencil is blunt,” said Tom pointlessly.

Tom Swifties

“I invested in a hi-tech startup,” Tom ventured.

Tom Swifties

Credit: A commodity that becomes better the less it is used.

Definitions

“Get out of my hair,” was Tom’s brush-off.

Tom Swifties

“How long will I have to wait for a table?” asked Tom without reservation.

Tom Swifties

Cold War: Hot peace.

Conflict Definitions

War without France would be like… World War II.

Conflict Places War

My purses were selling like wild cakes.

Mixed metaphors

Dieting is not a piece of cake.

Food/Drink

Kinky is using a feather; perverted is using the whole chicken.

Sex

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Definitions Family