Author: Anonymous Page 30

“I think I’ve broken my leg ”, reported Tom lamely.

Tom Swifties

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.

Divorce Marriage

Etiquette is the noise you don’t make while having soup.

Characteristics

Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

Definitions Government Politicians

What are you incinerating?

Malaprops

Luck: The thing that draws us for jury duty, but never for the lottery.

Definitions

They think they can do the portrait in one setting.

Malaprops Situations

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don’t win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd’s attention.

People

“The optician probably doesn’t have my glasses ready yet,” Tom speculated.

Tom Swifties

Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred.

Definitions Marriage

Girdle: The difference between fact and figure.

Appearance Body Clothing Definitions

“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.

Tom Swifties

B-Negative: A pessimist’s blood type.

Definitions

Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Definitions Friends People

I looked to see what I could hear.

Mixed metaphors

Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.

Communication Definitions Language

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Definitions Places

Run it up the flag pole and see what sticks.

Mixed metaphors

This is the problem we are wringing our hair over.

Mixed metaphors

“The situation is grave,” Tom said cryptically.

Tom Swifties

Intuition: Suspicion in skirts.

Definitions