Author: Anonymous Page 96

Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death.

Death Definitions Life

There are three kinds of people… those who can count & those who can't.

People

Twins: Infant replay.

Children Definitions Family

Nail our fingers to the mast

Mixed metaphors

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

People

“Consult an investment broker,” was Tom’s stock answer.

Tom Swifties

If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right.

Sex

I've been getting the corpse ahead of the hearse most of my life.

Mixed metaphors

There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.

Appearance Clothing

Sterile Solution: Vasectomy.

Definitions

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

People Sex Women

Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters.

Children Definitions Family

“I am removing the lining of my gloves,” Tom deferred.

Tom Swifties

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage.

Marriage Men People Sex Women

“I will file a counter suit against you,” Tom retorted.

Tom Swifties

Pedal stool.

Malaprops

Hole-In-One: An occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone.

Definitions Golf Sports

Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.

Definitions Emotions

“I’m taking this ship back into harbor,” Tom reported.

Tom Swifties

“Use your own toothbrush!” Tom bristled.

Tom Swifties

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

Animals Definitions Wordplay