Author: Emo Phillips

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass; the refill contained the antidote.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Computers Games Sports Things

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Relationships Self

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Girls Life Sex

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Life Time

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat; both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Miscellaneous

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Conflict Education School

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed… so I said, “Get off of me, you two!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Wordplay

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is; I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Emotions Men Success Women

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Individuals

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it; I said, ‘Thyroid problems?’

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Clothing

My girlfriend and I almost didn’t have the second date because on the first date I didn’t open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Money