Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 3

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

I miss the $2 bill, ‘cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Self Sports

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go; on a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, “Where’d you get that banana?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Relationships

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Spaghetti… I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Occupations Work

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I love blackjack… but I'm not addicted to gambling… I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

If you're a fish, and you want to be a fish stick, you must have very good posture.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

I used to be a hot-tar roofer… yeah, I remember that day.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Work

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations