Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 4

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

I used to be a hot-tar roofer… yeah, I remember that day.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Work

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Occupations Work

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper; well, then they screwed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Travel

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Failure Problems Things

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I remixed a remix… it was back to normal.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so, I got a cake.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Cats

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations