Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 9

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education Sex Young

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a "Cross Your Thighs" bra.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Fat Girlfriends People

I’m at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life. In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Self Sex

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

I figured out I’m bisexual; I have sex twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving

This girl was ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Ugly

I found a guy's wallet and inside was a picture of my kids!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Things

I’m not going to say my wife can’t cook, but should toast have bones?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion; he said okay, you’re ugly too.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly