Author: Woody Allen Page 8

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I have an interesting case. I’m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people… between five, it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don’t think I’m up to a performance, but I’ll rehearse with you, if you like.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death People Places

According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Places Science/Weather

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Money

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Failure

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

My luck is getting worse and worse.. last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Conflict Crime

I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan… I stroke.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Body

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Religion

There have been times when I’ve thought about it – but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad… the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage Wives

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Miscellaneous