Subject: Conflict » Arms

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

A fanatic is one who sticks to his guns whether they're loaded or not.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport; thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

(1977 – ) British political comedian & television host

Gun-free zones kill people

Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

Recoilless rifles – aren’t.

The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.

(1951 – ) American conservative radio talk-show host

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students… there were no survivors.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author