Subject: Marriage » Divorce

Catholics don't get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I'm not upset about my divorce; I'm only upset I'm not a widow.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

I’m still friends with all my ex’s, apart from my husbands.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

My parents got divorced after 40 years… that's the longest game of chicken ever.

American comedian

After five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

(1957 – ) American comedian

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I'm 34 years old; I thought I'd be divorced by now.

American comedian

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.