Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
(1863 – 1941) U.S. senator (California) & U.S. Secretary of the Treasury
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals.
Parkinson's Axioms I
You know a man is a redneck if his mama has got in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
On checking for testicular cancer
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice.
(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter
A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative.
(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Ridiculous stereotypes often make people very ignorant towards other nationalities. For example, I’m in good shape, intelligent, and I don’t have sex with my cousins, and yet still people assume I’m American.
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
I don’t feel I’m even worthy of a normal amount of value.
(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters
Girls are like pianos… when they're not upright, they're grand.
(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.
Sir William Osler
(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Sam) Brown's Law
It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”
Winnie the Pooh
fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
(1934 – ) American actress, dancer, activist & author
You might be a redneck if… you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are," Gentlemen, start your engines."
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Star Spangled Banner
A friend in need is a pest.
(1925 – ) English actor
As Arthur Daley in “Minder”
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