Subject: People » Self

Sophia Loren plays peasants; I play ladies.

(1927 – ) Italian actress & photojournalist

I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You might recognize me… I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

I am being frank about myself in this book; I tell of my first mistake on page 850.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

(1819 – 1900) English art critic, social thinker, poet & artist

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

I’m not a fighter, I’m a bleeder.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I love my name: Paris is my favorite city, and Paris without the ‘P’ is “heiress.”

(1981 – ) heiress, socialite, media personality & model

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho

My vagina is like Newark [New Jersey]; men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I was once paged at JFK airport as “Mr. No One.”

(1947 – ) English singer & songwriter

Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

People like to hear me say 'shit' in my gorgeous voice.

(1904 – 2000) English actor, director & producer

I miss being pampered.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

You mean there aren't enough people mad at me already?

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor

Somebody stole my identity… good luck using it without the medications.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

He fell in love with himself at first sight and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful.

(1905 – 2000) English writer

Vickie Lynn Hogan is my birth certificate’s name.

(1967 – 2007) American model
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