Author: Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist