Author: Erma Bombeck

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it's gossip.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ … it is a mere formality; it doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no, you’re going to get it anyway.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never eat anything you can't pronounce.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist













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