Author: Erma Bombeck

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ … it is a mere formality; it doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no, you’re going to get it anyway.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it's gossip.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When someone asked me once if I ever thought of leaving Bill, I asked, “Where?”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist













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