Author: Erma Bombeck

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Food/Drink Relationships

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Characteristics Definitions

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Fathers Mothers

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Age Characteristics Old

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Family Things

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat… all you can do is move it around, like furniture.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sex

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family