Author: Erma Bombeck Page 2

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never eat anything you can't pronounce.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it's gossip.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

We were a generation born too late to eat goldfish and too early to flash.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist













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