Author: Erma Bombeck Page 2

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour; I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it's gossip.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Never eat anything you can't pronounce.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist













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