Author: Groucho Marx

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

There's a man outside with a big black mustache; tell him I've got one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I intend to live forever… or die trying.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

P.S. Did you ever notice that ‘Peter O'Toole’ is a double-phallic name?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I drink to make other people interesting.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September,' because it actually tells you something.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
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