Author: Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Time wounds all heels.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I could dance with you until the cows come home… on second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Yes, and so is everyone else in the league.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

No man goes before his time… unless the boss leaves early.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them… well, I have others.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing… if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host