Author: Groucho Marx

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing… if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here; you must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I eat like a vulture… unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I could dance with you until the cows come home… on second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter; some day I intend reading it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can’t see the stove.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe and talks like George S. Kaufman.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men; the other 999 follow women.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The maitre d’hotel of a smart hotel: I am sorry, sir, but you have no necktie.
Groucho: That’s all right, don’t be sorry. I remember the time I had no pants.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Humor is reason gone mad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Now there's a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

There's one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him… if he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Help veterans in need with one click. The Veterans Site