Subject: Activities » Driving

My grandma used to say “Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn,” and I’d say “Shut your f**king Klaxon I’m driving!” … Oh we had fun.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you are inside it.

I come from Calcutta: in the UK you drive on the left of the road, in Calcutta we drive on what is left of the road.

Indian comedian

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Identity Thief starts off moronic and then goes downhill.

British broadcaster, writer & film critic

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

This lane ends in 500 feet.

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician

Bus Driver: A person who tells people where to get off.

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.