Subject: Age

When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

The only good thing about [aging] is you’re not dead.

(1905 –1984) American playwright

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Pushing fifty is exercise enough


My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian

The young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

(1931 – 2005) American actor

The older I grow the more I listen to people who don’t talk much.

I’m 50 years of old.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush the net.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me, I’m profoundly grateful to her.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Most people my age are dead at the present time.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

The young are generally full of revolt, and are often pretty revolting about it.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author