Subject: Communication (Page 58)

Farmer: A man who is outstanding in his field.

Definitions Wordplay

As my mother always says, “If you have to swear to get laughs, then you’re obviously a c**t.”

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Communication Emotions Laughter Speech

Censor: A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Communication Definitions Language

Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Health Language Money

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon… but it never really took off.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance.

(1887 – 1948) American journalist & humorist
Communication Conversation

He has his head in the clouds and his feet in the box office.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Communication Insults Reviews/Criticism

It has been said that writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

(1880 – 1957) Polish-Jewish novelist, dramatist & essayist
Communication Reading/Writing

A pin has as much head as some authors and a good deal more point.

(1802 – 1870) American writer & editor
Communication Occupations Reading/Writing Work

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Communication England People Places Speech

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Communication Murphy’s Laws

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind; close it and you're right back at the beginning.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

I think Nancy does most of his talking; you'll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Communication Insults Speech

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Communication Law Speech

When a person tells you, “I’ll think it over and let you know” — you know.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Communication Situations

Archaeologist: A person whose career lies in ruins.

Definitions Occupations Wordplay

No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in a [Rupert] Murdoch newspaper.

(1932 – 1997) newspaper columnist
Communication Insults Reading/Writing

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Communication Intelligence Stupidity Wisdom

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay