Subject: Communication (Page 59)

Books are for people who don't have ideas of their own.

(1984 – ) American stand-up comedian
Books Communication Ideas Intelligence

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store I just flip to the about the author section… I’m like, “Done, next!”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

Umm, trouble with grammar have I, yes?

Movie character in, Star Wars (Frank Oz)
Communication Language TV/Movie Quotes

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Communication Language Reading/Writing Speech

Journalism is literature in a hurry.

(1822 – 1888) English writer
Communication Reading/Writing

I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking; but I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going.

(1883 – 1962) British barrister, judge, politician & preacher
Communication Speech Time

About the only thing you can say for his constipation of ideas is his diarrhea of words.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
Communication Ideas Insults Intelligence Speech

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!

Arms Conflict Military Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing

Women speak two languages – one of which is verbal.

(1564 – 1616) English dramatist & poet
Communication Language People Women

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Government Politics

Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Peeping Tom: A window fan.

Definitions Wordplay

Ways to Relieve Stress #10: Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Emotions Language

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Children Family Wordplay

Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobiography.

(1903 – 1966) English writer
Books Communication People Self

Ninety-two percent of the stuff told you in confidence you couldn't get anyone else to listen to.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Communication Conversation Speech

There are two great rules of life: 1. Never tell everything at once.

(1931 – ) American golfer & broadcaster
Communication Life Misspokements Speech

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing