Subject: Communication (Page 76)

Umpire: The original strike arbitrator.

Definitions Wordplay

Clairvoyant: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Communication Ideas Intelligence Language Murphy’s Laws

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

Communication Speech

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Speech

We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication Individuals People Speech Thinking

Abstinence makes the heart go wander.

Sex Wordplay

Carp in denim – There's a fish in my pants!

Communication

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language People Things

Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.

Definitions Ideas Reading/Writing

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

(1906 – 1965) psychologist & speech pathologist
Communication Language

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Communication Mistakes Problems

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian
Communication Things Wordplay

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.

Children Communication Family Speech

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Art Communication Entertainment Reading/Writing

Some people are widely read – I'm thinly read.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Intelligence People Reading/Writing Self

Everybody had some antidotes to tell.

Malaprops Speech

I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
Communication Language

Did you ever meet a mother who’s complained that her child phoned her too often… me neither.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Children Communication Family Mothers

‘Pessimist’ is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Communication Language Life