Death | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Death (Page 8)

My doctor gave me two weeks to live… I hope they're in August.

Ronnie Shakes

comedian

Remember, today could just as easily be the LAST day of the rest of your life.

Solomon Short

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Death Time Today

That's good. Go on, read some more.

Warren G. Harding

(1865 – 1923) 29th U.S. President

Last words To his wife – who was reading him flattering newspaper accounts

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

(1920 – 2000) American actor

Death Doctors Health Money

George W. [Bush] was born on third, but thinks he hit a triple.

Jim Hightower

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

Death Insults Circumstances

Sorry for saying f**k.

Graham Chapman

1941 – 1989) English comedian, physician, writer & actor (Monty Python)

Last words To a nurse who accidentally stuck a needle in his arm shortly before he died

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago, because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Mort Sahl

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

Death Places Politics Chicago

Never drive at night.

Joseph Lucas

(1834 - 1902) American manufacturer

Last words Lucas was the founder of Lucas Industries manufacturer of automotive alternators and headlights – which were notorious for unreliability in the early days of automobiles.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keillor

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster

Death Funerals Sadness

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Stewart Francis

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Communication Death Language

I am going to hell and I'm looking forward to it… I'll finally get to meet Madonna.

Kathleen Madigan

(1965 – ) American comedian

Death Insults Places Hell Madonna

How many people died from the Kama Sutra, as opposed to the Bible?

Frank Zappa

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

Beliefs Death Bible Kama Sutra

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Dave Barry

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Death Fashion models Grates

No thank you.

Michael Bruce Ross

(1959 – 2005) American serial killer

Last words When asked if he had any last words before his execution

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Death People Self Situations Feeling out of place

I want nothing but death.

Jane Austen

(1775 – 1817) English novelist

Last words In response to her sister who had asked her if she wanted something

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.

Richard Feynman

(1918 – 1988) American physicist

Last words

My dear, before you kiss me good-bye, fix your hair. It's a mess.

George Kelly

(1887 – 1974) American playwright, screenwriter, director & actor

Last words On his death bed he was visited by his niece who leaned forward to kiss him farewell.

Show my head to the people. It is worth seeing.

Georges Jacques Danton

(1759 – 1794) influential figure in the French Revolution

Last words As he placed his neck in the guillotine he gave his final instructions to the executioner.

At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless;' I don't know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

Al Clethen Jr.

American comedian

Death Money Poverty Funerals

When I hear that a man is religious, I conclude he is a rascal!

David Hume

(1711 – 1776) Scottish philosopher, historian, economist & essayist