Subject: Entertainment (Page 37)

I watch so much Netflix that, rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.

British stand-up comedian

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

(1952 – ) American writer & comedian

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

An actor is the kind of guy who, if you ain't talking about him, ain't listening.

(1910 – 1984) American film producer & publicist

If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference?

(1919 – ) American sportswriter

Inviting her to review one of your pictures is like inviting the Boston Strangler to massage your neck.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

(1924 – 1984) American author

I want to be a diva… like people-totally-respect-my-music diva, not diva like carry-my-Diet-Coke-around.

(1980 – ) American singer

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be… it is what it used to be; that is what's wrong with it.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music stops.

(1909 – 1986) Australian dancer, actor, theater director & choreographer

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

People think I hate sex; I don’t; I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter

[Caddyshack] was a six-million-dollar scholarship to film school.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer

A glorified bandmaster.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director