Subject: Family » Children

Experimenting with Babies

Book Titles Children

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor
Activities Children

Birthday parties always end in tears.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 

comedian
Children Family

If it tastes good, you can't have it; if it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.

Children Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children Family

It's better to go when you have to go – than to go and find you've already gone.

Children Murphy’s Laws Travel

I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Family Mistakes Problems

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Eating Food/Drink Money

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Children Exaggerations People Women

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

(1819 – 1901) English monarch of the United Kingdom
Children Family

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.

(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist
Appearance Body Children Fat

Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family Situations Sleep

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Intelligence Understanding

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian
Children Family Old

I Heart My Little A-Holes

Book Titles Children

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Children Family

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Children Family Proverbs