Subject: Family » Children

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

I thought when I was 41, I would be married with kids… well, to be honest I thought I would be married with weekend access.

(1965 – ) British-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Family Marriage

The ambition of every small boy is to wash his mother’s ears.

Children Family

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Children Family Places

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family Intelligence Marriage Stupidity

I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Children Family

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.

(1935 – ) British author
Books Children Communication Family Life Reading/Writing Sex

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children TV/Movie Quotes

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Intelligence Understanding

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Games

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

Never let a child wearing Superman pajamas sleep on the top bunk.

Children Family

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault

Book Titles Children Family

All television is children's television.

advertising expert & editor
Children Entertainment Television

Smack your child every day; if you don’t know why – he does.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Children Family

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Children Communication Family Murphy’s Laws Old Speech

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer
Children Divorce Family Marriage