Subject: Family » Children

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

Did you ever meet a mother who’s complained that her child phoned her too often… me neither.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Children Communication Family Mothers

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
America Children Family Parents People Places

This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Children Marriage

You make ‘em, I amuse ‘em.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator
Children Family

Children should be heard, not obscene.

Children Murphy’s Laws

"It’s the violence in the media that's the problem…" no, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won’t do shit about it.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol Children Family Fathers

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance Children Family Parents

Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.

Children Communication Family Speech

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Children Family Wordplay

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer
Children Family Life Parents

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
Beliefs Children

There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

Anna Haycraft (1932 – 2005) English writer & essayist
Children Emotions Love Men Women

Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite now.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Children TV/Movie Quotes